I Am Touching Myself to the Thought of You

I am touching myself
to the thought of you
this morning.

And that terrifies me
because it is my heart
not just my sex
that you are touching
within me.

How the hell
can I be strong,
empowered,
standing for all that is wrong
about being a woman
in a man's world?

While simultaneously
wanting nothing more
than to be soft
and vulnerable
in your arms
in your gaze
in your love.

Fuck you.

And yes
I know it's not you
but it's what you represent
to me, a woman
who has been fighting
an inner battle
just to prove to herself
she is worth
the same value
the same recognition
the same respect
as a man.

It isn't easy
to admit these thoughts
still exist within me,

but they do
and you need to know
because I am seriously considering
letting you
be a man
who helps me remember
this doesn't need
to be true.

I love you
and it's terrifying
but I'm willing
to give up my game
of all the ways
that I hide
manipulate
and push away
to you.